Through A Mirror Darkly
by Treesh Aradia
Summary: I wouldn’t have dinner with you, even if you paid me.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Through a Mirror Darkly

**Author**: Treesh Aradia  
**Rating**: If you are above the age of 16 methinks you can read it.  
**Disclaimer**: Not mine  
**Spoilers**: to be safe, all of season four

**Summary**: Dark fic. To tell more would be to spoil any of the surprises coming up.

**Through a Mirror Darkly**

**mir·ror**   
_n._

: a polished or smooth surface (as of glass) that forms images by reflection

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Metropolis, 2010

Lois Lane, twenty four and single, marches toward the black limousine, determined. She stops, looking at the blackened one-way mirrored window. She can practically feel the smug grin coming from behind the reflected surface, and she hates it. Not waiting for him to wind it down, she knocks on it hard, feeling a sense of satisfaction as she sees her knuckles have formed a smudge on the pristine glass.

Slowly, inch by annoying inch, it lowers. She stares expressionlessly at the, sure enough, smug grin on Kent's face.

"What do you want, Kent. I'm busy and I really don't feel like playing games with you."

"I don't like games either. But I do like dinner, and I like you to have it with me."

She snorts. The temerity and audacious request of his making her deliriously mad. "I wouldn't have dinner with you, even if you paid me."

He chuckles, the debonair affectation grating on her nerves. "You used to love it when I showered you with gifts. Remember?"

She wishes she has longer nails and they weren't in public. Then she'd mar that chiseled face of it.

"Go find one of your playthings, I am sure one of them will be willing to listen to your crap, the amount you pay them, they would have to wouldn't they."

She walks off before he could retort.

He stares after her, jaw clenched. He would have his revenge.

"Lexcorp." He tells the driver before winding the windows up.

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**Dealings with the Devil**

Clark Kent slams the door to his office and takes out the Martini hidden in the back of his office lounge. Lois Lane was a difficult woman. He has always known that, but god was she _difficult_. He had planned the meet, called up all his sources to find out where and what time she would be on that particular street, instrumented how he'd intercept her, in the safety of his limo of course. He's already had a taste of her fingernails on his skin. He did not wish to have it again.

He sighs and takes a seat on his couch, overlooking the other high rise gothic structures spanning the city. He knew she was back in town, he felt it deep within his bones the first time he opened his eyes in the morning and alas in the extra oomph in his step. He knew she was nearby, he felt her in him.

"Yasmine, is Lex in the office?" He beeped his secretary, the same kitten secretary whom he once had a little tryst with, just a month ago.

"Yes Mr. Kent. He stopped by your office before convening to his office. Shall I tell him you wish to see him sir?"

"No. I'll do it myself."

And he leaves the comforts of his private domain, striding towards the end of the hall, without waiting for an answer before entering his partner's office.

"Ah, Clark, I was wondering when you would show up. We need to discuss the Mercer deal, and hopefully send him an offer he can't refuse. How does _borrowing_ his sister sound?"

"Sounds dandy."

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"I came to talk to you about Lois actually." He eyes his bald friend, seated behind his desk, sunlight outlining him and lending him the image of an angel.

Albeit a fallen one.

Lex smiles knowingly, "I figured as much. So how was the delectable Ms. Lane. I presume she's still on the market?"

Clark reigns in the urge to pummel his friend. Lex made it clear as day that as long as Lois was available, she would be fair game. And they all knew even if there was a ring on her finger, it would not be much of a hindrance either. They were both very knowledgeable about that. Clark takes a deep breath, before continuing, "I was wondering if you had seen her, because from the welcome reception I got, I am of the opinion that she expected my salutations."

"Clark, you can be sure that I had nothing to do with your _outcome_. However, you might want to ask Chrysta for more information. I heard she was behind Lois at Star Bucks. Who knows what women talk about?"

"You made her go you bastard."

Lex's smile indicated it. "I merely suggested to your current mistress that she should be mindful of who her competition is. Can you blame me for helping you assuage your insecure little strumpet?"

"Don't go near her. I am warning you. Business is business, but don't you dare interfere in my life." Clark spits out, closing the gap between himself and Lex, roughly shoving him to the ground.

"Who? Chrysta or Lois?" Lex asks, still remains deathly calm, still on the floor, like it was his intention of sitting there. "You should have thought of that when you underhandedly gained half of my fucking company Clark. Cause then you're mixing business with pleasure."

Clark stares at him for a moment before storming out of the office.

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**Blink of an Eye**

_30 minutes, a blink of an eye_

_30 minutes to alter our lives_

_30 minutes to make up my mind_

_30 minutes to finally decide_

Clark might have deserved her once, but since the incident, Lex knew Clark of all people _didn't_. If he was being truthful, none of them deserved Lois Lane. And she was smart to get out while she still could. Her only mistake if he could call it that was to come back again. To come back into their lives when she would have been better off in Paris, away from the taint he knew Clark and himself would dirty her with.

They were a long way from Smallville. And sometimes, he wishes that they weren't.

So many decisions that could have been taken, so many neglected for greed, for the greener pastures that he now realizes are as green as toxic waste.

Capitalism instead of journalism, Love not sacrifice, selfishness not family, he wonders if Clark was conscious of his choice. He wonders if he's paying for Clark's choices too, or for his own.

But what Lex Luthor did know for a fact was that humans were base and no matter how good intentions were, decisions were never determined by honorable motives, but how noble consequences overlapped and coincided with the prevalent, more important _selfish_ ones. And Clark was nothing but human. He made his choices, he dug his own grave.

And now he has to lie in it.

He throws the picture of the picturesque brunette into the fire, using the poker to place it deeper into the fire raging within the confines of the fireplace.

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Her day was ruined, by the two little confrontations she had. The first she was unprepared for, the second however more than made up for it. She wielded her pride and anger like a weapon and managed to hurl it at his face with stunning accuracy and precision. But it did not take away the sting. She was hurt and she needed more than a few insults to appease her need for blood.

She stops typing her article, memories plaguing her to the point where she couldn't focus on anything but his eyes and his smile and her subsequent heart break. Five years ago she would have called him a friend. Four years ago, more than that. But a month after that, he became ruthless and she bore the brunt of his cruelty…

30 minutes to whisper your name

30 minutes to shoulder the blame

30 minutes of bliss, thirty lies

30 minutes to finally decide...

They were in Nevada, a squalid shit hole that made motel 6 look like the Grand Hyatt. But they were happy and in love, and married. They drank sparkling grape juice, it was all they could afford and her wedding ensemble was a crème coloured dress she wore for her confirmation. But they were together, and they were _happy_.

He promised her the world, he promised her the stars. He promised her that he could make her a queen. And she believed him. He told her things about himself, special things, that she was honoured to hear. He was special. But it was not because of his abilities that made Lois Lane lose her heart to him, made her abandon all defenses to him. It was the way he treated her, he didn't need to make that promise to her, for she already felt like a queen. He bought her small baubles when he could, treated her in small ways. And though it might not have been much, it was enough. And they were in love, and they were _happy_.

She curses the day Lex Luthor came, contract in hand stating that the Kent farm and the others nearby were sanctioned by the government to be returned to the state. She had no doubt the _state_ was under duress by Luthorcorp, who conveniently bought the repossessed land, for the building of a chemical plant and industrial park. She never figured how badly Jonathan Kent took it, how he consequently stopped fighting the carcinogen in his bones. Martha Kent left Smallville, choosing to live with her sister in Florida, leaving Lois to hold onto Clark, his only support.

He had too much blame and anger in him. And she was still so young. He took to going out and coming home in the wee hours of the morning. By then, she knew she wasn't the only one he saw when he closed his eyes. He spoke only of revenge and nothing else. Needless to say their marriage did not survive and they annulled it.

And the one time she saw him a year later, he was introduced at a Metropolis Christmas party as Clark Kent, CEO and shareholder of Lexcorp. And he ignored the fact that his ex-wife was in attendance, choosing instead to enjoy the company and debauchery his money could now afford him. He was nothing but human.

She feels cheated. It should be her with him. But then again, when she made her choice she knew it was over. He could probably smell it on her…

When you chose to sleep with pigs, you end up smelling like one.

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**­­­­­­­­­­­­Promise**

"_If I give you what you want, you will leave the farm alone?"_

_He nods. _

_And she was sure that was all the assurance she would ever get from the cold hearted bastard. _

"_Ok, then. We have a deal."_

_He smiles, "no, what we have is one night. I would like to make the most of it."_

She smiles bitterly at the memory. Not only was he a cold hearted bastard he was a liar as well. He left the farm alone alright, right smack in the middle of Lexcorp Chemical Plant Inc., the deeds to the farm still in his name.

_Smack. _

"_You lying sick fuck."_

_Lex massages his bruised cheek, smiling even as a bit of blood trails the corners of his lips. "I didn't lie. I left the farm alone. You simply did not ask for the deeds to be in your name."_

She would have backhanded him again if security had not intervened.

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"I see you are still ever the same Ms Lane. Still beautiful, still dreamy."

She spins and hears the voice of a devil. "What do you want Lex?"

He raises his hands, "Nothing, just here to make amends."

She snorts.

"How? You ruined my marriage, you cheated me out of the only home I ever knew, so how do you think you can make amends? Money isn't everything, you should know that, I rejected your offers remember?"

Lex grimaces, face ashen and eyes narrowed as he recollects her venom and spite. "I love you, more than he ever could. I would have given you the world Lois. I still can! Do not _EVER_ forget that I gave him the chance to be what he is today."

She steps closer to him, eyes now sad and rueful "and you never expected that I still would not love you, nor he would have the guts to play your game and be as disgusting as you, huh?"

He reaches for her wrist, holding it in a vice like grip, "make no mistake, I plan to have it all back."

"So how do I come into the picture?"

"You don't. I just want you to leave. You shouldn't be here, I'll call up the paper in Met, I'll have them offer you a better pay and accommodations."

She stares at him for the longest of times and finally sees that maybe, maybe he did care, in the furthest corner of his soul, he actually cared. 'Forget it Lex, I'm here to stay."

"Then welcome back and I hope you know the steps to the devil's dance."

He leaves her, winded and out of place.

Not dissimilar to when he left her that early morning, a sinner and infidel.

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**Devil Dance**

The meeting was to take place at the docks, right by the twenty four hour 7-11. It was - as in every mafia movie dealing with evil substances and smuggling – dark and far past evening.

Lois Lane crouches behind the crates that smell strongly of day old vegetables and she wonders why the devil they have rotten groceries packed there for, however the distinct sound of a car makes her sit up and ignore the stale stench. Her hands go to the camera she has, 3.0 mega pixels and a 4.0 optical zoon, she loves her Sony. She waits for them to exit the limousine, the two men that reminds her of the barn and corn fields, and sees that they are right on time.

The shady men at the other end of the dock approaches and she starts snapping and clicking like nobody's business. She doesn't even flinch as she realizes what the pictures would mean for the two who were now in the midst of a heated argument with a pimp-looking man who she thought should be aptly called "Al Capone" or something as infamous.

"The goods you promised should come with the standard ammunition. Where is it, Moira?"

Lois hears him and sees him take an intimidating step towards "Moira".

"Yo Mr. kent," he says in a ghetto like accent "I ain't promised no bullets no?"

Clark steps forward some more only to have Lex Luther place a restraining hand. "Look, I am sure we can discuss this like educated men-"

And it was then that she sees one of Moira's cronies take out his Sig, aiming for his boss's angry clients. Without meaning to, she screams, giving away her location. "LEX!! Behind you!"

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**Learning Dance Steps**

Those who believe that 'good things go to good people' have probably never heard of the term myth-making. Or learnt the power of ideological hegemony. If they did, they would have corrected the adage to something along the lines of 'bad things go to good people too'. A trillion times more accurate than that blatantly obvious misnomer; or maybe they could change it to 'bullets go right through skin of women who try to do good'.

Because that was what Lois Lane got for her efforts at being a Good Samaritan. Apparently, Moira's henchmen being the bad aim that he is, managed to fire his clip – initially meant for Lex, right into her left arm, effectively cutting off her 'Lex!! Behind you!' into:

"You !!!!"

As if that wasn't bad enough, her cussing managed to get every one of Moira's secret minions out of their hiding places, and go all clip-crazy and trigger happy. The fact that Clark and Lex had their own little salvo party cum Calvary did not help matters. What was once a quiet, shady arms deal in bum-fuck middle of the night have escalated into a frenzy of lightning shots and Mexican hold-out, bullets-for-all smorgasbord.

In retrospect, if Lois was lucky to live long enough for that, she would have to agree with what Lex had said earlier. He wasn't kidding when he saluted her into the devil's dance. Oh ho, she was dancing alright.

Dancing out of bullets' way.

"Lane! Are you insane? This way!" Lex called out, apparently still alive after henchmen's clip deflection.

Seeing that everywhere was unsafe and unsheltered from the hail of clip reloads and successful shots, she decided to follow Lex. Maybe he had bionic eyesight and could see some modicum of shelter. Not like she had a good left arm to lose right?

Putting an arm around her, he led her to what had to be one of their men. "Conner, Miss Lane seems to have been hit. Give me your –"

Lex never got to finish his sentence when he saw Conner fall, with a drop of blood from the trajectory of the shot landing on his otherwise pristine cuff. Looking at it in disdain he turned to his hunched over partner. "Ok Lane, seems we have a little problem."

"Little? It's raining gun bullets! I have just been shot, and your Calvary sucks mega ass!" Lois never looked angrier, and he can't say it was a bad look. However if it were any other time than this one, wherein they could just possibly die from getting a shot to the head, he would have taken the time to tell her that and pretty much piss her off.

"Am I correct to assume you are angry at me, us, for this little foray into arm combat?"

Lois eyed him deadpan. "No Lex. Why would I be, you are after all testing your illegal goods!! Does it even bother you that I am bleeding my arm off?"

Hearing her slightly hysterical made Lex chuckle. "As long as you understand."

Before she even had time for a rebuttal, a blur of black Armani flew past them ending with a perfect cat's landing. Lex raised his eyebrow, apparently unfazed. "Finally decided to help out eh Kent?"

"Sorry. Too busy trying to get our money back. Goods are worthless if we have to use it on the people we're buying it from," Clark eyes his ex-wife, before summoning a greeting, "Lois."

It was only until she saw the briefcase attached to his right arm that she gathered what he had just said. "You actually risked your life for your money?"

"Our money, Lois. I still pay you alimony do I not? And is that concern I hear? Really Lo I'm touched."

Sensing the sudden shift in an already tense situation, Lex ever the diplomat decided mayhap it was best to hightail it. "Ok, so we're two for two, Moira is dead I presume?" Clark smirked his affirmative, "and the money is still here, I say we shake our tail feathers somewhere else and get the fuck outta this hell hole now."

"Fine by me, cause I did get shot!" Lois ranted albeit pale-faced.

Off her acetic tone, Clark finally recognises the red smudge on her sleeve for what it is, and takes a step forward, concern somehow breaking through his flippant mask. Without a word he moves to carry her. "For once Lo, just close that mouth of yours and let me take care you."

Her need to assert independence and overall kick ass attitude could not overcome the relative exhaustion from what just transpired and with that look in Clark's eyes, that familiar look she recognized as _her_ Clark's, Lois did as she was told and fell into a deep slumber.

"You sure do have a way with the ladies Kent. Farmboy or no." Lex quipped halfheartedly.

"You shut up too Lex."


	2. Chapter 2

She wakes up to what seems like the marching band playing their brass and woodwinds in all their glory. "Jeez".

Lois definitely had one too many pina coladas and on the rocks last night.

"Mother f-!" She cusses as she struggles to get up, grasping her left arm. Maybe it wasn't the case of getting sloshed as she had first assumed. Looking at the bandage wound round her arm she suddenly remembers her foray into Clark and Lex's Mexican shoot out arms deal.

And her temporary insanity.

"Should have just let the asshole get shot instead." She mumbled as she feels pain shoot up her arm each time she took a breath in.

"I see you're feeling better. At least your sarcasm hasn't suffered."

She looks to her side and finally notices Clark sitting quietly in an armchair. "Wow and your knack for stating obvious has still remained. Good for you Clark, at least when all else failed and you turned into a scum bag, some things still remained the same."

She watches him flinch before relaxing into that mask of smug ire. She wonders when their animosity for each other became so genuine. And then an image of Lana flashes into her mind and she doesn't ask any more internal questions.

"I see my generosity in carrying you into my home and treating your wound no less hasn't calmed your … intense dislike for me?"

"Hatred actually, but hey, if we're keeping count of things that stay the same, don't let your delusions stop you from distorting my euphemisms."

She watches as he blushes and rolls his eyes. Things that stay the same numero tres. He still blushes.

"I guess I'll talk to you later, you need the rest anyway."

Lois nods, feeling too tired to trade barbs with him anymore. She was tired. However she had one last question. "How did you manage to carry me all the way back to your limo? I thought you didn't have your powers anymore?"

Clark stills and says without turning around. "I don't" he turns toward her, searching for the faint trace of the scar at her left wrist "but I'd carry you to the moon and back with both my legs broken, if it would help you." What he left unsaid was that she knew it too.

She watches him stare at her hand, self conscious of the reminder of her _other_ stupid act, partially stunned and partially saddened by his confession. She didn't think he had the audacity or capacity for such _affectionate_ words anymore. They'd destroyed that part of each other. Well, it was more like she'd killed it. Literally.

Taking a deep breath, Lois looks at his back "Thank you".

Clark nods.

If they were only six years younger, he might have joked that she was light as a feather and he is still as pretty damn strong even as the average human.

But he couldn't. Not when he was suffering from de ja vu. And not when he had the reminder of Lois' suicide scar so plain a reminder that they were both very different people now. He should not hope for anything. Not when he was the cause of everything that transpired that day.

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**How to be Dead**

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
_

She watches him out in their rooftop garden, in their tiny little apartment. Her on the steps, hand on the handle of the door, him standing out there, his new brooding place. Her heart constricts, already knowing he knows. She's changed, interminably now. In her walk, the slow uncertain pace, her head no longer held high, no longer raised.

Her body no longer his alone.

"You don't have to pretend to care. My back's to you, just stab it now, at least I can take it out faster without having to wait for the song and dance."

She winces and for once, doesn't now what to say to him. She wasn't prepared for his coldness. Then again, everyone had a way of dealing with loss - their loss being figurative but no less trivial, no less painful – and no matter how many times she's seen him angry she's never had to deal with the cold. It seems now, like he's dead. She realizes that maybe he can't be her rock, to salve her own loss, her own shame and her betrayal. Not this time. They'll both just have to be dead.

"Clark-" He turns around and she stops mid sentence.

"I'm going" He tells her, like it's the most nonchalant thing in the world. Her breathing falters and she can already feel her heart that's already in a vice-like grip start to turn blue.

She would beg. Damn it, she will. She's not going to lose him. Not after sacrificing everything. "You don't have to. We can work it out. I know we can!"

She's losing him. As his laugh turns bitter, she knows she's losing him, as clearly as she knows sleeping with Lex would. But she took a chance that maybe… maybe she could still have him and keep their dreams alive. Now, in the cold light of day, the farm seems like such an insignificant thing to lose.

_I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart  
_

"What do you want to work out? Does working out mean rehashing and giving me a play by play? Cause I do not want to THINK ABOUT MY _WIFE_ SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN LOIS!"

This time, he doesn't hold back. Another first. She's never dealt with this. Only seen the lukewarm reactions and brooding from their past together. "I'm sorry."

And if he doesn't comment on the tears, she knows its only because he's too disgusted to really look at her.

"You're dead to me Lois. So please just spare me the litany. You know, you should be glad, you killed me. When no one else could…you managed the impossible."

She hunches over, eyes toward the floor, never hearing the sound of his leaving. She chokes on her sobs and doesn't hear the sound of both hearts breaking.

_  
Tell me your secrets  
And ask me your questions  
Oh, let's go back to the start  
_

He came back. And she knew she should have been grateful. But it wasn't the same. She doesn't know how it changed, but it did.

Everything was like a foreign reality. No more simple movie nights, no more tender touches at the breakfast table, no more middle of the day phone calls. They just fell into a sort of non-existence where they never cuddled after making love, or what she would term more appropriately –fucking. It was never sweet, like the first time every time for three years. It was angry and vulgar, rough hands on narrow hips, a sneer and a squeeze. It was as stimulating as it was empty. They both filled each other, but at the end of it, they lay curled on their sides, never touching, just the sounds of their hard breathing and hearts in a superficial high. And they would fall asleep to broken prayers.

There was no going back.

So when he started smelling of citrus and apples, instead of her vanilla and strawberry, she wasn't surprised. She didn't even cry when she found the lipstick mark on the collar of his shirt while doing the laundry. She doesn't question if having her find it was intentional. She just wondered when her husband started becoming so heartless. Like the other man who ruined them.

_  
Running in circles  
Coming up tails  
Heads on a science apart  
_

"Aren't you going to ask where I was today?"

Score one. Despite the fact her face never showed signs of hurt, he knew he did –hurt her that is.

"Why? I already know where you were. I did your laundry, its upstairs."

_  
Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard  
_

In spite of everything that has already transpired, she always held faith that he would wake up one day and realize that he still loved her, and he would stop doing what he did. And that they would miraculously become Smallville and Lo again. She tried to be numb, and it wasn't so much what he was that was killing, it was knowing he did it to hurt her.

_  
Oh, take me back to the start  
_

"Lois, I am going out for a drink with a friend."

A pause.

"Fine, buy back some milk. Have a good time Clark."

_  
I was just guessing  
At numbers and figures  
Pulling your puzzles apart  
_

The last straw that broke her, that really made her wake up to the finality that he wasn't coming back to her, not like she wanted, was when he started wearing the cufflinks Lana bought him four Christmases ago. The pink and black ones, that he once told her were tacky.

She never realized just how badly he wanted to punish her. However now that she's cognizant enough to know her Clark is dead, she can admit that he wasn't just doing it for a time, but long term punishment.

She could deal with anything else, physical betrayal was acceptable. Well as acceptable as what she did. But to know that he was going back to someone he loved? Or maybe still loves…or never stopped loving…

She hoped she was wrong, but seeing him watch her as he put on the cufflinks debunked every lie she was willing to believe and confirmed every fear that she had.

_  
Questions of science  
Science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart  
_

"Let's just get it over and done with ok Clark?"

"Excuse me?"

"The divorce." She nearly stumbles over her words but the steel in her, the one she didn't knew she had, keeps her voice calm, albeit quiet in the already pregnant and tense silence that was now an indelible part of their lives.

Just for a second, she sees the terror in his eyes. Then again, maybe that was just part of another one of his plans to get back at her. Make her believe he still cared.

"You betrayed me Clark, where it counts the most." She takes her ring off, sets in on the table, eyeing it for the last time. "I know you won't but I'll just say it anyway don't find me Clark, you'll only be hurting me again."

She doesn't wait for him to answer. This time she's the one going out. For that long walk, away from her life and her husband.

She doesn't falter as she leaves the front door.

And she doesn't cry as Bruce picks her up in the limo.

No one sees the man back in the living room. No one sees him take the ring on the table and no one sees the tears.

_  
Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh, and I rush to the start  
_

"Have you told her Clark?" The blonde eyes her friend watching for the telltale shame and guilt. She's surprised it wasn't there. Lois was right then, they were both dead. All she got was a shrug.

"She deserves to know. And not from the paparazzi who will most probably stalk her, she needs to hear it from you. And it wouldn't hurt if you dispelled the pregnancy rumour. At least that's one mistake you can try to undo"

"We're no longer married, and you're her cousin. She'll take it better from you." Clark says, already bored with the conversation, checking the Dow Jones from his flat screen instead.

"Do you really hate her that much? I don't even know who you are anymore Clark! Who is this broken man Clark? Why are you punishing her?"

"Is that what she told you? That I am punishing her! Do you know what she did?"

Exasperated but not one to back down from it, Chloe stood her ground "She doesn't have to tell me anything. I can see it for myself. So she slept with Lex. You got back at her didn't you? You should have just ended it instead of pretending that you forgave her. I never thought I would ever say that, I wouldn't if you guys were still the same, but you're not and I don't know who you are anymore.

"You know her. You know how she's bottling everything up, YOU KNOW SHE"S STILL HURTING. If you don't tell her of your coming nuptials to Lana she might-"

Chloe doesn't continue.

"I'll do it when I'm ready. You know Chloe, just because you're her cousin doesn't mean you can paint me out to be the villain. She is as much to blame as I-"

Clark realizes it was the wrong thing to say, he knows it was unfair to say it, but he wasn't going to spare anyone. No one spared him from heartbreak. And he merely watches as Chloe angrily packs her things from the table and leaves.

He sighs and suddenly remembers that today was the anniversary of their first spoken 'I love you' to each other.

_  
Running in circles  
Chasing tales  
Coming back as we are  
_

If he didn't enjoy the silence then he didn't enjoy it now. He felt the chill at his spine and ignores it as he calls out to her again.

"You sure don't waste time do you?"

Clark feels the anger rising, seeing the man whom his ex-wife was currently living with.

"Where is she? I need to speak with her."

"She's not here Clark, and I think you know you're not welcome here."

"I'm getting married. Tell her alright?"

He nearly leaves, only Bruce's voice stopped him.

"Lana came over and told her it was all a mistake. Did you tell Lana to lie to Lois? Is this another way to punish her, send her into a false lull and then take the ground from under her?"

It was true. Months ago, Lana and him were just a mistake. But then again, things that were so right had ended up being mistakes anyway. It was a spur of the moment decision, proposing to Lana, and Clark did not have any regrets. To label it regret meant that his life was still stagnant, and he would die before admitting that.

"I don't have to justify myself to you. Just tell her alright?"

_  
Nobody said it was easy  
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard  
_

"You fucker!" Chloe comes in right as Clark leaves for the door, and she scrapes her fingernails hard into the slap she gave Clark. Anger and tears in her voice and so plainly written on her face.

She doesn't stop attacking Clark amidst both Clark's and Bruce's 'what the hells'.

It's only when Clark manages to control her attacks, and grabs both her wrists that Chloe falls to the floor. Inanimate and with eyes now just as dead as her cousin's.

"Lois. The police found her at the old apartment, she's, she's dead."

And her voice breaks at the last word.

_  
I'm going back to the start... _

o

o

o

**Not Here Anymore**

After Chloe's initial shock, in fact it was only after everyone's surprise at having heard Chloe that Clark managed to move again. Not that movement was possible, it was very nearly impossible. The news was like a kryptonite blow to his jugular.

Clark didn't bother to ask for a confirmation. The shortness of breath and Chloe's blank look was all the confirmation he needed.

He didn't seem to hear Bruce ask if he was ok, he didn't even seem to notice that he had taken the opposite wall as support, and when had he the chance to sit and have his head in his hands?

The room was as silent as it was tense. It was as if they were already standing above her coffin, her last eulogy read.

"Fix it." Chloe's voice broke the silence, and the coldness in her tone seemed unholy.

o

o

o

Clark did not bother to pretend he had misheard, did not pretend the sentence wasn't aimed at him. He knew to what she was referring to. He had shaken the world once, all for the selfish reason of wanting to be near Lana still. He shook the world, and now he ended up killing more than just a parent.

He turned to look at her. All rebuttals against fixing it at the ready, yet his voice died even if the frown on his ashen face did not. Lois, his Lois, always his in his head, was gone. He didn't even dare to speak it aloud. In his head, it was already real enough.

o

o

o

Chloe, knowing him as long as she had, knew the minute Clark had wanted to protest. "I don't care who gets taken in her place. Do it. I want her back, even if you don't" she knew it was unfair to say, the look on his face all the proof she needed to know that as much as Clark wanted to act the uncaring ass and get engaged to Lana, he still loved her, but…"I certainly will not care if the life they take is yours. You deserve it. If it's mine, I'll do it anyway. I'll be the sacrifice."

Bruce was at her side immediately, distressed at her fatalistic demeanour. He was wounded, yes, but Bruce had experience with death, and he had just enough experience to know when someone was near hysterics –again. "I don't think that's a good idea." Without meaning to, Bruce's thoughts went to the cousin he never really cared enough to know. "There's nothing-"

Clark stood then, determined. "Bruce, Chloe's right. She's gone because of me. I need to set it right. I need to, I need to get her back." Whether or not the double entendre was received, no one responded either way.

o

o

o

Bruce, a member of the inner circle was privy to Clark's other worldly assets and had heard the concise edition of why Jonathan Kent had died. He hated to play the devil's advocate, but seeing as how he was dealing with people who were so far mentally gone… "You both know there are consequences, and just saying you don't care who dies in her place isn't really experiencing it! The guilt will kill you both. And if I allow you to do this, it will kill me too!

"Clark, what if it was your mother?"

Bruce saw the grimace, and yet knew the minute when Clark turned his cold steel blue eyes at him, he was fighting a losing battle. "She'll do it for Lois. And if she doesn't then she'll forgive me someday."

o

o

o

Clark wondered when he had lost his soul, and realised he lost it a long time ago. The day he walked out on Lois, was the day Clark Kent knew he would never be the same again.

But having to face his ugliness, having to hear his own words of how he would barter his mother for Lois…he hoped the life that would be taken was his own. He doubted his lack of humanity would be a great loss if he were to die in her place.

o

o

o

"I see reasoning has no effect on either of you. You'll probably need to call your mother Clark, tell her you're selling her for another woman. And I'll call the morgue. We'll need to get her.

"May God save our souls."

o

o

o

**It's Not Over**

When he told me what he did, the bargain he had made with his father, I could not comprehend it. It was like waking from a dream within a dream. The surreal nature of what had just transpired shocking me into a maddening and stooping silence.

I was alive, after being dead.

His powers, the powers that he - despite being a capitalistic vulture - still used to help people were gone because he foolishly believed that he could save me. No one could. I knew it then and I still hold faith in it now. I just wanted to remain in that nice little existence I had, away from life, Away from the living. They were overrated somehow. And he tore me away from my little piece of sanity…much as I hate to compare myself to that overage whiny vampire slayer, I was just going through the motions, wishing I were still in…well, not heaven but something close.

He couldn't understand my lack of reaction. He could not understand what it felt like to know you killed yourself, because he could not understand how hard it was to live. Living knowing it was not as good a life as when there was still a 'we' to comprehend, with the full knowledge that I won't get it back again.

Somehow taking my hand in his, eyes back to the way they were - Pre-Lex, Pre-Lana – he thought we could go back to what _we_ were.

"_Let's go home, I'll take care of you." _

Like it was that easy. Save girl, check. Bring girl home check. Have same relationship even after Lana engagement and all kinds of devious Lex schemes, and after losing soul to corporate underhanded dealings…check, check!

I didn't just die. I died knowing I killed more than myself. Looking at it, some may say I was weak. To kill myself because a _man_ left me, because I wasn't _woman_ enough to move on.

No. I was not the poster girl for Femi-Nazis.

But what the hell does anyone know. I was devastated, he was my life, all that was important paled in comparison to the weight of significance I placed on us, on him.

The hope that I had harbored for a reunion, in spite of the glaring obvious that it won't be the same, I held hope that we might be able to create something better if not different from our experiences, that hope died with his complete abandonment of me and of what we would have had...had I not used the razor. The final nail to the coffin came with his coming marriage to Lana. I couldn't tell him of our new bond to each other. For how could we have what we once had or have what we will, when he was off to marry someone else? And so I killed myself, and our hope.

And he could not understand why his powers had to be lost. I did. He was bargaining my life and our child's. That new found hope I had.

"_Lois? What are you not telling me?"_

I think he knew. Somehow, his complete awareness and understanding of my psyche never did diminish even with the number of betrayals and backstabs we accumulated.

And I told him.

He had no right to be shattered. Screw anyone who thought me selfish. I wasn't going to fight for the life child who could never know true happiness or the true extent of his parent's love. Not when his parents were estranged, not when he would never have the chance to know what our love was once. Not when his mother couldn't even breathe when she thought of her _husband_ belonging to another. What kind of existence was that? I wanted everything for him, and for him to settle for a pale existence…well again, what kind of existence will that be?

Silly Clark for thinking he was being the bigger person, _forgiving_ me.

"_I don't want your forgiveness Clark. Don't you see, it wasn't me who killed us. It was you."_

He might have said it was not over. But it was. He repaid me my depravity. He gave me new life. We're even now.

o

o

o

I don't want to think that she came back _wrong_, because she was still Lois, still my cousin, still bold and brash. It was just that there was a little part of her that was missing, that now gave her entire persona that harder edge.

I was always looking for the little chink in her ice, but could never find it. The moment I thought she would break, she'd reel herself back in. I get the feeling she might be feeling guilt over her second chance that she was grateful for it, but I am not so convinced anymore. Guilt, sure; but not over her resurrection, and trying to find out what and why is like ramming myself into a lead wall, hoping that I could create a hole to peek through.

And Clark's not the same either.

Not because we threw out caution when we decided to get her back.

He came back from the fortress changed.

I just wish everything would go back to status quo again. No more angst. We've had too much of that already. Far, far too much.

Lois left immediately after she came back. Took her things from Bruce's and left. Clark never even said goodbye. It's weird, how the one couple that had seemed so right, with sooo much potential, would be sooo devoid of emotion now.

There is no denying that something happened.

But I don't want to find out what. I think I'll be scared of the truth.

I just want Lois back again, whole parts, nothing missing.

o

o

o

Lois came back angry. Angry and hateful. Of everyone. She might have hidden it well, but she was. And I know why.

Lois thinks she and Clark are the only ones who know their secret. But I do too. It was one of the reasons why I was against bringing her back. I knew what the guilt would do to her. She would remember what she gave up and what she now had to live with.

She never closed the window on her laptop the day she went to Ebay for little boys clothes and things.

And now that she's back…I know she'll reason out her motives for killing him. Him, cause she always wanted a boy, just like Clark. Honest and good, just like Clark. Or the Clark she used to know and now wished for. Lois will try to be utilitarian, try to be tough, and she probably has a rational reason for why she did it, maybe one along the lines of knowing what's best for her child. But I know she's dying inside, from the weight of her choices. The ones she should not have made.

That's the main reason why I know a romantic relationship between us could never happen. She wants too much to choose for herself and be independent.

I just hope Clark is stronger than I am.

o

o

o

She killed my baby.

o

o

o

Secret Journal

I know I killed my baby. I might have said that he did. But I know it was me. And I wish I were dead again. Because I can't live with myself, knowing I gave my baby up.


	3. Chapter 3

"How does this sound as a headline 'Lexcorp CEOs: Scene and Seen in Arms Race'?" Lois Lane declared to the two men as she stepped forward into the wide sitting room, pretending to be holding her newspaper for all to see.

"Good day to you too, Sunshine! You light up the room with your glowing presence and wholesome attitude. I am fine thank you."

"Yes, roaches like you are tons resilient Lex."

With that, Lex touched his heart dramatically, pretending to fall from the blow of Lois' words.

Choosing to bypass the histrionic man, Lois approached the one sitting next to the fire place, drinking his black coffee. "We need to talk Clark. In private."

O

O

O

"What were you doing last night Clark? I mean from hero to zero to criminal?" Lois, feeling rejuvenated from her bed rest, was now able to properly chide him.

"No better than you snoop dog." Clark refuted, crossing his arms, glaring at the woman now pacing the length of the drawing room.

"Uh, I beg to differ Michael Corleone, I wasn't making arm deals! I would like to get a story of Lexcorp involved in some hoodoo mojo but not with you standing right next to our very own Satan." Lois snapped, letting throwing her hands in the air.'

Clark chuckled at her description of the bald one. She wasn't too far off and if he had anything to do with it, he would soon be back in his fiery pit of hell in the next few weeks. "Look Lo, I know it's a lot to ask, but can you hold off the dogs. I can't explain what's going on but well, I need you to trust me on this."

Lois eyed him suspiciously. "Trust you?"

Clark sheepishly nodded and Lois had to fight the sigh threatening to escape her. The little hopeful smile and baby blues… shaking her head, she steeled herself to it. "Why? So you can form your little mafia enclave while I stick my head in the sand?"

Clark let out frustrated sigh, trust Lois to bust his ass. Although he had to give her credit, he expected it sooner, guess the gun wound must have done quite a number on her. That and he wasn't exactly forthcoming with what was going on, what he was hoping would happen soon.

Crossing the length of the room, he took hold of her arms, hoping to translate that into his need for her acquiesce. "Please."

Lois remained unmoved, though somewhat affected by the look in his eyes. This was after all the first time in a long time since she's been this close to Clark, her former husband and father to their dead child. Regrettably, she wished they could stay this way for a long time, try forever, but she knew it wasn't going to last. She just missed him so much.

Another seemingly minute passed by before she attempted to speak.

"Alright."

Hearing her, Clark let out his fatal mega watt smile, blinding the woman silently staring at him.

"Whoo hoo!" His sudden childish display and funny jiggy dance made her giggle as well. And suddenly it seemed they were back where they were, in a familiar yet different past-present.

Slowly though, they were brought back down by reality, arms were extracted and folded back to their sides. Lois cleared her throat, not wanting to break their little moment, yet knowing she had to, "alright but that does not mean I don't want a story when you're finally able to give me one."

"I promise you Lois. You'll get your story." And so much more. I promise. We'll get us back.

"Ok then." I miss you.

O

O

O

In the other room, Lex makes an important call.

"Good job last night. I have them right where I want him."

O

O

O

**Espionage**

"Does he know?" Was the first thing he heard his handler ask him. As usual, he rolls his eyes. He has been doing this for longer than he knew how to drink milk. Or maybe not, but Clark was not going to let a slight exaggeration deter him. Or his daunting task of convincing his handler that he wanted to tell his ex-wife _everything_. Which, if he figured out to tell sooner, would have saved him a failed marriage and a, a, he couldn't even say it, a new addition to his family.

_Baby_.

"Look, I know we need to be covert and extra surreptitious but I get the feeling that sometimes, you are being excessively anal just to piss me off."

The woman he is now in the company of looks at him shrewdly. "Clark, need I remind you that this isn't the little leagues anymore? We are going after, what has Lois said in the past?" she snaps her fingers as she remembers "that's right, we are going after the Godfather, the Satan of Metropolis.

"the man responsible for funding all those insurgents in Africa, the one coincidentally also partly responsible for the deaths of Nigeria's indigenous people. Not to mention he only slept with your wife!"

Trust Lana Lang to remember that little tidbit. Rolling his eyes he urges their meeting forward. Lingering would only beget them what Lana had initially feared.

"No he doesn't know. I don't think he does."

She nods, ever the professional in this setting. And in others…well they were cordial at best. Too much history between them, and too much fabricated ones made it awkward for them to ever really be the close friends they were in high school and maybe even uni.

Looking at Lana now, Clark never fails to be surprised at the direction Lana Lang has taken in her life. Always thought to be the fragile cherry blossom…one would hardly expect her to be working for the CIA, much less as his superior, even if by a margin. She was his handler after all.

Clark could only imagine how shattered and disillusioned she must have been with life after her break up with Lex during their uni years. So distraught with being a victim that she became an agent, and defender of the whole country. Post Lex did that to people Clark realized. He joined in the ranks of the CIA shortly after Lana, her being the one that introduced him.

"I have new information that could help you. He's planning something, there's been activity in Cameroon. You did not go with him to that particular meeting last month did you?"

Clark nodded. "I got stuck with paperwork. Sometimes going deep cover really blows the shit."

Lana smiled softly and passed him an envelope, amidst the quiet backdrop of the old cinema screen.

"Lana look, I know we have protocol, but I want to tell her" he pauses then, "everything."

Lana sighs. She knew it would come up. She just wished he could have made this particular decision three years ago, when she suggested it. She hates that what he initially thought as protecting Lois is now being reconsidered. Then, Lana could not have agreed. But now, when the stakes were higher…Clark really irritated her sometimes. "Clark, now really isn't the right time. We are this close" she draws closer to him, showing him the minimal distance between her fingers "to nabbing him. It's different now, more dangerous."

Clark lets out a frustrated sigh, folding his arms, staring straight ahead at the old movie playing. "When's this close? It's been five years Lana! I have been corporate Clark for five years!"

"What? When the going gets tough you now complain? Were you this whiny when we were dating in high school?" Lana snapped.

"That is irreverent and entirely irrelevant Lang. I want to tell her. No I need to!"

Knowing she was fighting a losing battle, especially with an irrational Clark (powers or no powers) she gave him a long look. "I'll talk to Bristow about it. No promises though. He might want to bring her in though."

Clark assents to this.

"Happy now are we? Good. We need you on your guard."

With that Lana exits the darkened theatre, as she has every month for almost five years.

Leaving the theatre Lana wonders why she approached Clark. He was starting to bug her. Sighing, Lana ponders if maybe she should have approached Chloe or better yet, Lois.


End file.
